Fun Facts About Greetings from Salisbury, North Carolina. I'm Steve Proctor. Personal information on homepages usually bores me, so I have included only the most interesting facts. The strangest thing about this page is that all of it is true! If you actually want to know about me professionally, leave this page at once and go here. I Was Born in a Crossfire Hurricane: No wait, that's someone else. Although we DID have hurricanes in Texas (Thanks RS). I began my education at Benbrook Elementary School, the first school Lee Harvey Oswald attended. A coincidence, nothing more...

Woke up this morning Troubled by bad luck. Got no Armani suit Had to rent a tux!

• I Fought the Law and the Law Won: Brushes with the law were inevitable. I left my house, walked to the drugstore, stole a book and returned home - all at the age of two. A pretty senseless crime, considering that I already had a copy of the book! By age three, I had seen the error of my ways. Why walk when the family car is there in the driveway? My joyride ended when I drove the car into the garage. Literally, into the garage.

• When I was a boy, my dad used to come to my bedroom and ask me not to play my guitar so loud. Now, years later, it's my turn to be the dad. And every so often, my son comes into my bedroom and asks me not to play my guitar so loud.

• Previously, I worked as a slate boy for a movie called Manhunter (not the one you're thinking of), a radio announcer, a computer programmer, and for a grand total of six days, as the Assistant Registrar of Wake Forest University. I quit because my name suddenly appeared on the roster of incoming students at Wake Forest's Medical School! A coincidence, nothing more...

• I considered Gastroenterology so I'd be "Dr. Proctor the Proctologist." Instead, I specialized in Pulmonary and Critical Care Medicine at the University of South Carolina. One of this program's alumni was the brother of Doug Llewelyn, the reporter on "The People's Court." I soon distinguished myself from the other interns by discharging a patient home, then learning the next day that he was actually a prisoner! Being a doctor helps finance my primary two vices, attending Eric Clapton concerts and buying guitars.

• In 1989, a patient had surgery that I recommended. While recovering from this, he was watching "Viewer Mail" on Late Night with David Letterman. Dave started reading my letter! I'm sure this instills great confidence in one's physician...

• TV - an integral part of sTeVe: When "America's Funniest People" came to my town looking for talent, they found me instead. Capitalizing on an anatomical abnormality, I drew a hula dancer around a vein on the back of my hand and wiggled the vein while playing "The Stripper" on my harmonica. I felt embarrased for people with lesser talents, like a girl who did impressions of a seal. Believe it or not, they had "Seal Girl" on the show and not me! I reckon they felt sorry for her. In fact, they felt so sorry for her, that they gave her the $10,000 grand prize. With such poor management decisions, it's no wonder their show was cancelled.

Parallel Universe Department: You may think there is only one Steve Proctor. Wrong! There is a musician in England with the same name. In an October 1996 review of the "Above The Law LP" this statement is made: "Leftfield s@$% is provided by Steve Proctor." I emailed them and said that pretty well sums me up, too.

• Genealogy research has revealed the following items that give me excuses for aberrant behavior:
  • I am descended from the only woman hanged in the Plymouth Colony.
  • I have a Native American ancestor named "Ground Hog Sausage."
  • Some of my relatives were in Jesse James' Gang.
  • An ancestor married her cousin, making me my own seventh cousin, once removed.

• I'm not very good about reading my mail. Once, I opened an envelope and found a brand new credit card which had expired.

• Brushes with Small African Nations: My telephone credit card number was stolen and a $291 call was made to the small African nation of Burkina Faso. When I was a child, I was in a skit on a program that included the Vice President of Liberia. I was once in an Atlanta record store with the King of the small African nation of Swaziland.

Brushes with Elvis: Speaking of The King, a former Elvis bodyguard taught my Sunday School class once. As you can see, I am a great Elvis impersonator because of little details like the doughnut. Shortly after this photograph was taken, the guitar suffered unspeakable damage. If you're going to ride a unicycle, leave your guitar at home!

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