Greetings from
.
I'm Steve Proctor. Personal information on homepages
usually bores me, so I have included only the most interesting
facts. The strangest thing about this page is that
all of it is true!
If you actually want to know about me professionally,
leave this page at once and go here.
I Was Born in a Crossfire Hurricane:
No wait, that's someone else. Although we DID have hurricanes in Texas (Thanks RS). I began
my education at Benbrook Elementary School, the first school Lee Harvey
Oswald attended. A coincidence, nothing more...
Woke up this morning
Troubled by bad luck.
Got no Armani suit
Had to rent a tux!
I Fought the Law and the Law
Won: Brushes with the law were inevitable.
I left my house, walked to the drugstore, stole a book and returned home - all at the age of two.
A pretty senseless crime, considering that I already had a copy of the book!
By age three, I had seen the error of my ways.
Why walk when the family car is there in the driveway?
My joyride ended when I drove the car into the garage.
Literally, into the garage.
When I was a boy, my dad used to come to my bedroom and ask me
not to
play my guitar so loud. Now, years later, it's my turn to be the
dad. And every so often, my son comes into my bedroom and asks me not to
play my guitar so loud.
Previously, I worked as a slate boy for a movie called
(not the one you're thinking of), a radio
announcer, a computer programmer, and for a grand total of six days, as the
Assistant Registrar of Wake Forest University. I quit because my name
suddenly appeared on the roster of incoming students at
! A coincidence, nothing more...
I considered Gastroenterology so I'd be "Dr. Proctor the
Proctologist." Instead, I specialized in Pulmonary and
Critical Care Medicine at the
. One of this
program's alumni was the brother of Doug Llewelyn, the reporter on "The
People's Court." I soon distinguished myself from the other interns by
discharging a patient home, then learning the next day that he was actually
a prisoner! Being a doctor helps finance my primary two vices, attending
Eric Clapton concerts and buying
guitars.
In 1989, a patient had surgery that I recommended. While
recovering from this, he was watching "Viewer Mail" on Late Night with
. Dave started
reading
my
letter! I'm sure this instills great confidence in one's physician...
TV - an integral part of sTeVe:
When "America's Funniest People" came to my town looking for
talent, they found me instead. Capitalizing on an anatomical abnormality,
I drew a hula dancer around a vein on the back of my hand and wiggled the
vein while playing "The Stripper" on my harmonica. I felt embarrased for people
with lesser talents, like a girl who did impressions of a seal. Believe it
or not, they had "Seal Girl" on the show and not me! I reckon they felt
sorry for her. In fact, they felt so sorry for her, that they gave her the
$10,000 grand prize. With such poor management decisions, it's no wonder
their show was cancelled.
Parallel Universe Department:
You may think there is only one Steve Proctor. Wrong! There is a musician
in England with the same name. In an
this statement is made: "Leftfield s@$% is provided by Steve Proctor." I
emailed them and said that pretty well sums me up, too.
Genealogy research has revealed the following items that give me
excuses for aberrant behavior:
I am descended from the only woman hanged in the Plymouth Colony.
I have a Native American ancestor named "Ground Hog Sausage."
Some of my relatives were in Jesse James' Gang.
An ancestor married her cousin, making me my own seventh cousin, once
removed.
I'm not very good about reading my mail. Once, I opened an
envelope and found a brand new credit card which had expired.
Brushes with Small African
Nations: My telephone credit card number was stolen and a $291 call
was made to the small African nation of Burkina Faso. When I was a child,
I was in a skit on a program that included the Vice President of Liberia. I
was once in an Atlanta record store with the King of the small African nation of
Swaziland.
Brushes with
Elvis: Speaking of The King, a former Elvis
bodyguard taught my Sunday School class once. As you can see, I am
a great Elvis impersonator because of little details like the
doughnut. Shortly after this photograph was taken, the guitar suffered
unspeakable damage. If you're going to ride a unicycle, leave your
guitar at home!
